Along The Rails

Your very own Along The Rails Preakness Coverage…

4:38 PM: NBC convenes a “Let’s Talk Horse Death” panel featuring Bob Costas, to whom the entire nation looks in order to know how to feel; some veterinarian; Larry Jones, the trainer of Eight Belles; Gary “I Am Getting Very Good at This” Stevens, and Bill Rhoden, an expert on the matter by virtue of being a columnist for the New York Times.

The veterinarian doesn’t blame Eight Belle’s trainer, pointing out that she had no injuries leadin gup to the race. Gary doesn’t blame the jockey. Larry doesn’t blame himself. Bill blames everybody: “This industry, more than any, doesn’t really examine itself.”

Bob discusses breeding fragility into the the industry. Gary wants zero tolerance medication. There’s a Fist Slam Into an Open Palm of Indignance, so we know he’s serious.

Bill Rhoden says that bulls in bullfighting are bred to… This lights a fire directly beneath the chair of Jockey Stevens, who in half a second progresses WAY beyond the Fist Slam of Indignance now, blown through the Sigh of Exasperation, and progresses straight to the Widened Eyes of Furor: “How can you compare Thorouoghbred racing to death sports?… Are we breeding to kill? You are wrong!”

Bob: Should fillies go up against colts? The vet says it doesn’t matter. Gary, metaphorically, climbs back on board Winning Colors. Larry discusses “Alpha Mares,” which, I submit to you, is the greatest suggestion I have ever heard for an all-girl metal band.

The veterinarian uses the term “bone formation.” Heh. Bone formation.

Larry introduces Dr. Phil into the matter. Is there any topic which the presence of Dr. Phil cannot touch, any wound he cannot heal?

Bob breaks the glass on the “animal abuse” emergency alarm: Any justification?

Bill: “Maybe a little… but I do think we’re at a point in this business, where if it’s not regulated… we can segue into a point where it is abuse.” From across the table, Gary fixes him with a cold, dead stare.

Bob wraps it up by announcing that… nobody has solved anything. Well then.

4:53: Bob stands on a fake porch with Alex Waldrop, the president of the NTRA. Bob is pulling Bill’s suggestion from the panel, the one that more regulation will solve the everything. Alex loses me at the first instance of “in the final analysis.” I get up to find some alcohol before he busts out a PowerPoint presentation.

4:57: The entrants and the odds. Closing shot of Big Brown standing in his stall looking bored. He’s at 1-5, which of course immediately seals his defeat.

4:58: AWESOME. It’s the Avodart Shrinking Scientist!

5:03: Rebooting the coverage. Slammy images of the Derby, complete with horribly sad music and whithered roses. Homeless Rick, dirty boots, Rick on drugs. Rick gets a big o’l f-bomb bleeped right out. Kent Desormeaux sighs. “Now,” says Bob, “The second test. At the 133rd. Preakness Stakes.”

5:06: Bob brings up, to everyone’s delight, Fusaichi Pegasus . Not to jinx anybody or anything.

5:07: Mostly cloudy, fast track, more odds. Kentucky Bear is called “a new shooter.” Awesome.

5:08: Discussion of the post positions. Gary goes through the Derby run, focusing on the utter chaos of the break: “You snooze, you lose in the Kentucky Derby.” Indeed. Tom points out Eight Belles in the background and makes sure everybody knows that she’s dead, dead, dead.

5:10 PM: Tom Hammond goes to Bob Neumeier with BREAKING NEWS regarding Big Brown. Repeat, BREAKING NEWS. And… it is… Big Brown is going to be worth an absolute &^@%load at stud. Given this announcement, Bob then makes a mind’s eye-searing analogy about lemons and juice and squeezing and then pronounces that, quote, “You have to be careful not to squeeze the lemon too dry… Dutrow is hoping today that he has a succulent lemon, with plenty of juice left in him.” Moving on.

5:17 PM: We have a Created Drama Trifecta with the owner of Hey Byrn: A horse bearing a dead person’s name, a birthday, and an 87-year-old widow who beams that if Hey Byrn wins, she’ll “faint.” Oh, and anyone rooting against this team is an evil cold-hearted old-people-hating bastard.

5:20 PM: Closeup on the boobs of Kent Desormeaux’s wife. Kent “can’t wait to find out (his) destiny.” He also wants to find out “what (he’s) going to do” on the track. Oh, Kent.

5:21 PM: Ladies and gentlemen, we have achieved our first “lightly raced” of the afternoon.

5:24 PM: It’s Governor Martin O’Malley, of the Great State of Maryland! Maryland considers itself “an American in miniature.” Oh, and come to Maryland. Just… don’t mind Baltimore, what with its nine out of ten crime categories scoring higher than the national average. But hey, they’re below the national average in rapes, so book today!

5:29 PM: Rick Dutrow announces that “I’m always screwing stuff up.” Good to know. By the way, the betting closes in forty-six minutes.

5:34: Bob, in essence, asks Rick if he has diarrhea. Rick admits to slight upset and calls Bob “Babe.”

5:35: Tom Durkin confirms, via highly scientific use of a white board and a marker, that Big Brown is, in fact, worth an absolute &^@%load.

5:37: Fugly hats, drunks with shopping carts.

5:38: Shot of Todd Pletcher. Todd has no runners in the Preakness today, which is something like four below his average. Slacker.

5 :40: Donna Brothers with Paddy Gallagher, the trainer of Yankee Bravo. He has a vaguely European accent and is therefore not to be trusted.

5:42: Dallas Stewart, the trainer of Macho Again, is basically asked what on earth he’s doing here. The access badges are fluorescent yellow. You know what, you can be the best dresser in the world, but the second you add anything visible from the GoodYear Blimp, you are automatically no better than Flock of Seagulls, sartorially speaking.

5:43: Nick Zito has been gargling with acid again.

5:49 PM: Hey, remember all the upsets in the history of the Preakness?

5:51: Viewers are invited to go into deep texting debt in order to play the “Preakeness Stakes Lucky U Game,” which has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO with our local sponsors.

5:53: Kent almost leaves his whip in the jock’s room. As a person who once forgot that she had a pound of rapidly spoiling beef in the back of her Florida car, I cannot make fun of this. We go to commercial, left in deep suspense as to whether or not he’ll recover the whip. Oh!

5:55: Whew. He found it. I was so worried.

5:59: The Olympics. Coming to NBC. Get your angry banners and protest marches ready.

6:00: Gary severely reminds Big Brown that he has not won the Preakness yet. Big Brown: Not caring.

6:01: Riders up!

6:02: “Maryland My Maryland.” You’d think they could do a little better, Christmas-carol-swiping-wise, than the tune of “O Christmas Tree.” Next year, I suggest they try “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas.”

6:04: Tom Hammond reveals that Icabad Crane was just vanned in from his home stable, about an hour away. I would be a nervous wreck if I tried this. What if there’s traffic? What if the van gets a flat? What if the horse gets carsick?

6:06: You know who’s not here? Ryan “Crab Cakes” Foglesonger.

6:08: Return of the Large-Prostated Scientist.

6:14: Donna and Gary engage in JockTalk. We learn that Big Brown may have gotten some dirt thrown in his face during morning workouts, so if dirt is thrown in his face today, he probably won’t be as pissed off as you or I would be.

6:16: I have a bad feeling about this.

6:17: And they’re off.

6:17 and some: Big Brown running in fourth- worried rumbles from the crowd.

6:17 and some more: Big Brown running in second and the rest of the pack is looking for some chips and dip.
6:18: The move.

6:19: The nation is allowed .00001 seconds to enjoy the Preakness win before we are reminded of “the elusive Triple Crown.”

6:20: Big Brown’s owners put in an order on another yacht, with a side of a villa in Tuscany.

6:29: Cialis commercial and its porn-lite soundtrack: “I can respond to her only when I’m finally ready.” That’s probably what the bad feeling right before the break at 6:16 all about.

6:30: Big Brown disses the the blanket of fake black-eyed susans. Apparently he doesn’t do knockoffs. Gary: “In 27 years of riding, I have never seen a horse accelerate like this.”

6:39: Chick from Magna Entertainment does the introductions with her sunglasses clipped to her neckline. Dude, you’re on NATIONAL TELEVISION. Hand off the shades for thirty seconds.

6:40: Owner of Big Brown dodges syndication questions. He’s wearing his sunglasses. Again: Dude. Is he in Special Forces?

6:43: Kent’s debrief of the race includes a “WHOOOOOOO!” This is immediately followed by a “scintillating.” Hey there, Mr. SAT Vocab.

6:46: Bob reminds everybody that Eight Belles is still dead, and so, for that matter, is Barbaro.

6:48: Three weeks of frenzied hyping begins… NOW.

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